Mama Needs a Swear Jar

Mama has a problem. She has a potty mouth. She could use a swear jar.

Now, don’t get me wrong – when I am working or in public I’m a conscientious professional. But when I am at home and reach into the oven and pull out a pan and realize that I forgot to use a potholder, I can get kinda creative.

Now, most people would consider what comes out of my mouth to be pretty tame. I mean really, until I went back to public school in the 11th grade, I thought the word “butt” was a swear word. I learned a WHOLE new vocabulary that year thanks to the guys in the drafting class I took. Thanks to them I would nearly get smacked by my friends when I asked them what the word of the day meant. I had never heard language like that and they thought it was funny to give me some new words and not tell me what they meant.  Really funny guys…really funny…

I have heard my Daddy swear exactly 5 times in my entire life. I’ve heard my mom swear more than that. Once, when the electricity was out, my Mama, Sissy and I spent an hour practicing flipping people off (the equivalent to swearing with hands) in the dark. My Sissy used to come up with the best replacement phrases for those naughty words. Among my favorites –”SUGAR MARIE AND THEN SOME!” I’ll let you guess what that phrase replaced.

Anywho, over the years I’ve picked up words and phrases here and there from college roommates, coworkers, friends and my in-laws. I thought I had heard it all and then I married into a family where two people worked in jails. NOW, there’s a whole other vocabulary that comes out of that workplace!

I remember quite clearly a morning a few years ago. Big was sitting on the kitchen floor putting on her shoes before we headed to the school bus. We were discussing swear words, and she asked me what they were. I told her they were not words for little girls to use and then I listed off a number of these words – the Ranger just looked on in astonishment (I don’t think he knew that I knew those words). She has since become the “Swear” Police!

Baby does not have the same issues with naughty words as Big. This is why I am having a problem – Baby has no problem copying Mama’s speech patterns. Sigh. Her favorite phrase became, “Oh, CRACK!” Thankfully she apparently didn’t hear what I was really saying…

Anywho, to nip the whole potty language in the bud we have been using an alternative work – Crud. Crud.crud.crud.crud.crud.crud. I taught my child to swear. Crud. The “Swear” Police does not approve of CRUD! So now we sit in restaurants coming up with different versions of crud (it entertains Baby and mortifies Big which entertains the parents). MegaCRUD!

Big is NOT amused by the word Crud, so it stands to reason that it has become Baby’s FAVORITE word!

Me, I’ll go for Crud over the other word. I’m working on it, but I think we might be able to go back to Disney with my swear jar.


4 thoughts on “Mama Needs a Swear Jar

  1. The word “Duck” is a favorite substitute for another certain word. Almost all the same letters, same emphasis and can safely uttered in public. Alsos segues into “duck, duck, goose” for special screw ups.

  2. OH LMBO (noticed I used a B and not an a;)) My daddy, an elementary school teacher who lived in a house full of woman, apparently has a whole ‘nother language he uses when he’s just among the boys! I’m not a huge swearer…or cusser as everyone says down here… and if I do, its usually over a big enough deal (ie; the cat is allergic to his food and I find out when The Boy steps in it and walks on every carpeted surface in the house) that the kids seem to get it. Although The girl (6) told me the other day that if I would just tell her what the middle finger meant, she’d promise not to use it! OY!

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